You’ve given it some careful consideration, you’ve relied on your considerable experience, and you’ve reached a solid conclusion and recommendation.
You know that the company should go ahead with the second supplier, because their terms are better and they can start straight away.
So you write exactly that in your email recommendation to the project team. But before you send it, you give it a final read over, and something inside you cautions that the email looks a bit too sure of itself. So you tone it down a little. An “I think” here, another draft changes “we should” into “I wonder if we could”, yet another review slips in a “just”, and finally that email now reads “Just a thought, I wonder if the second supplier might be worth considering? No worries if you disagree of course, let me know if I’m wrong.”
Satisfied, you press send.
But here’s the strange thing – absolutely nothing about what you knew or your certainty changed between the first draft and the final version. You are still as sure of your recommendation as you ever were. But somehow the message changed…
Same Knowledge, Weaker Sentence
This all sounds pretty familiar, doesn’t it?
You’ve probably got a set of these sort of phrases and words. “Just”, “I think”, “I wonder if”, “Might be worth considering”, “Does that make sense?”. Not forgetting the biggest aspect of all – turning a strong, considered recommendation into a mere question. All of which get deployed somewhere between your head and the Send button.
Of course, a lot of softening is done out of regard for courtesy, people being pleasant to each other, and that’s absolutely fine.
The problem comes when that softening diminishes the things that you genuinely know with certainty.
Rarely do you soften it from a position of doubt. You were absolutely sure about the supplier, but you were worried how you might sound. Worried that you might come across as sounding like you think you know best, or even sounding like you’d got a bit above yourself.
The paradox is that this pattern is actually more persistent in the least arrogant people of all, the ones least likely to come across as a know-it-all or above-themselves.
The softening I mean is the kind you add to things you already know.
And the reason you add it is rarely doubt. You were sure about the supplier, and worried about how sure you’d sound. Worried about coming across as the person who thinks they know best. As someone who’s got a bit above themselves. The sort of person who cares about how others feel, the sort of person who listens to others, and the sort of person who would never want to steamroller others into a position.
Which is exactly why this pattern catches them.
What did you add to the last thing you were sure of?
Two Separate Settings
Most people, when they stop to think about it, feel that authority and arrogance are a single setting. Turn the slider up and you get more conviction, more weight behind what you say. Until the point it passes Authority and tips over into Arrogance – like distortion kicking in when you turn the volume up far too high.
However, Authority and Arrogance are actually two very separate controls with different settings for each.
Authority is all about your relationship with what you know – the stronger your knowledge is presented, the greater your authority.
Arrogance, on the other hand, is all about your relationship with other people. Arrogance is treating their views as beneath you, not worth considering, and you no longer even bother listening to them because you’ve already decided that they have nothing worth saying anyway.
Going back to the first draft in the opening “We should go with the second supplier. Their terms are better and they can start straight away.”
Is there anything in there which dismisses others? Anything in there which claims you are better than the reader? No. Every word in that draft is purely factual about the supplier and their suitability. There is authority, but no arrogance whatsoever.
That’s because you can dial up the authority without affecting the arrogance, because they are two completely separate settings.
Which, of course, means the opposite is also true – turning down the authority also leaves arrogance unaffected. Someone who is arrogant will not be perceived as less arrogant just because they soften their authority.
For you, not being arrogant but still lowering the authority, all you achieve is sounding weaker and less sure of your position. Which helps nobody.
Next time you find yourself softening your stance, just ask yourself who you are protecting by doing so, and what you are protecting them from.
Where The Single Control Comes From
So given that authority and arrogance are two separate independent settings, that leaves the obvious question of why so many of us perceive them as a single control?
As with so many fundamental aspects of our personality and beliefs, it gets learned very early on in life.
“Nobody likes a show-off.” “Know your place.” “Don’t get above yourself.” “Who do you think you are?”
We’ve probably all heard those at some point as we were growing up. At the time they were most likely aimed at something accurate – showing off, bragging, being unkind, talking over people, etc.
The problem is, you were still a young child at the time, unaware of the nuance, so you learn a broader version. Something more akin to “Being sure out loud means I get cut down to size, so I’ll stop that from happening by not being so sure out loud.”
That’s what the softening is doing. It’s taking the edge off what you say, before anybody else can object to what you say.
And in that respect, it works, because nobody calls you arrogant, and it comes over as good manners.
The Cost To You
However, there is also a cost, and that cost is paid by you.
First, there’s the extra effort. Everything you say gets edited by you before you let it out. You draft it, you check it, you soften it, you check how it sounds again, and maybe even soften it further. You do this in every meeting, every email, every communication. These days it happens so fast, because you’ve been doing it for so long, that it just feels like part of thinking, which is why you probably don’t even notice it, nor how much of the day it uses up.
Then there’s what happens to the version you actually allow out. The one on which decisions actually get based. Because you softened it so much and watered it down so far, you get to watch the decision going the wrong way. Which is frustrating enough, but even worse is the fact that you can’t actually complain because after all, they are going by what you said.
There’s also a third cost, which takes longer to show itself. A gap develops, a gap between the person who knows things and the person who speaks. You are clear and certain in your head but you are tentative when you say it out loud. The longer this goes on, the more the tentative version starts to feel like the real you. It’s one of the small ways the person in the role drifts from the person doing the job, which we looked at in Still Being The Person You Chose in a Hurry.
We also look at this a little more in the podcast episode at https://KeithBN.link/TOP039 if you fancy seeing some more examples.
So What Now?
Think of the last recommendation you had, which you inadvertently turned into merely a suggestion, and consider the question of what it would have actually cost you to have said your original version.
If you want to work on this, then you should check out Leading Without Losing Yourself which is available as a stand alone course or through The Overachievers Club.
On the other hand, if you prefer something a little more relaxed and fun, take The Overachiever Quiz – 10 fun questions to find out what kind of overachiever you are, and what to do with that information.
Connected Podcast Episode
In the accompanying episode, we look at what happened when one leader finally took a fortnight off, and why she came back more tired than she left.
Episode 039 – Leading Without Pressure
Do you soften things you’re sure of so you won’t sound arrogant? Discover why authority and arrogance are separate, and what the softening costs you.
Relevant Related Blogs and Episodes
Performing for an Audience of One
The exhausting part of your day is rarely the work. It is the performance on top of it. Who are you actually performing for?
Episode 038 – Leading Without Pressure
Still checking your inbox on holiday, even when nothing needs you? Discover why leadership and control feel the same, and what the grip costs you.
