We’ve all been there.
After days or weeks of careful work, revision, double-checking everything, the report or proposal or email is now fully typed up on our computer, ready to send on its merry wa, our part of this project now complete.
And yet…
As our finger hovers over the button ready to click send, up pops that all-too-familiar voice, with it’s all-too-familiar complaint – “They’ll see right through this”.
And you think, for one brief moment, about arguing with it – after all, this is some excellent work, you’ve double-checked everything – but you know there’s no point because The voice will win out, as it always does.
And so, with perhaps just the faintest of weary sighs, you move away from the Send button and go back to reviewing the entire thing once again…
Two Responses, Both Fail
Usually, when we here that Voice, we have one of two responses, namely either believing it or fighting it.
If we believe the Voice, we accept that whatever it has said is true, we treat its words as an unquestionable fact, a verdict on our work, even a judgment on our worth, and we go back and review and revise and rewrite yet again, in a desperate attempt to somehow placate that Voice (all the while knowing, deep down, that nothing we can do will ever be enough to satisfy it).
On the other hand, we might decide to fight it, knowing that it is wrong and its judgement is unfair. So we list all the evidence that it’s wrong. We run through all our past wins to show that not only are we good enough, we absolutely know what we are talking about. We try to talk it down, to beat it with our own evidence.
Two different responses, but they both have something in common – we treat the Voice’s claims as a judgement, a verdict on our work or even our worth. The Voice puts us on trial and we fully take part in that trial. True or false, guilty or not guilty, doesn’t really matter because either way the trial goes ahead with us firmly in the dock.
Now, it is worth recognising that neither of our two responses is stupid. Realistically, they are our only two options when we take the Voice at face value – when we accept the Voice is judging us and presenting a fact, our only options are to accept it or to fight it – and most of us have done both of those often enough over the years.
But when did you last catch the actual moment that the Voice, your inner critic, spoke, rather than just noticing the effects of it afterwards?
There Is Another Way
What if, next time the Voice makes is presence felt, rather than choose whether to agree with it or to fight it, instead we do something different – we simply notice that it has spoken. We notice what it said, how it said it, and we also notice what we were doing at the time the Voice arrived.
In short, what if we treated the Voice as merely an event which happened, rather than as an immutable ruling?
Yes, this does sound like a trivial thing to do, too small to even make a difference. Which is why most people never bother doing it. And yes, it is this very smallness which makes it so powerful. We’re not undertaking some huge conscious change in approach or response; we are simply noticing it as an event rather than accepting it as a judgement.
It’s a small step, which anyone can do.
The Notebook
The easiest way to do this is to start, and a great way to start is by using a notebook for the next week or two.
What I’d like to suggest you do is, for the next fortnight, every time that Voice starts up, don’t agree with it and don’t argue with it. Instead, simply reach for your notebook and pen, and write down what the Voice says, word for word. That last bit is crucial -write down its exact words, every single time it triggers. Also write down briefly what was happening at the time – what were you doing when the Voice triggered?
Then, after the fortnight is up, take a look back over what yo’ve recorded and see what you can notice about it. If you are like most overachievers, you’ll probably find you’vew written lots of entries, but that when you boil it all down, there’s probably only something like three different sentences it uses. Three sentences, time after time; slightly different wording tailored to the circumstances, for sure, but fundamentally just three different sentences over and over again.
Also notice the timing of the Voice. You’ll probably find, like most do, that the Voice tends to appear the exact moment before your work is due to be seen by someone whose opinion mattes to you. What is it about that particular moment that brings the voice out?
Throughout all of this, you are not changing anything, and you are not challenging anything. And yet, the Voice seems to lose some of its power – after all, something which just boiled down to the same three sentences over and over again is hard to take seriously as a verdict, when it increasingly seems like nothing more than a recording almost on autopilot!
What can be interesting to examine is the hidden belief which hides behind and drives those three sentences. That can be very revealing when you catch it, as it explains a lot. For some, that belief might be “If I get everything right, nobody can reject me”. I wonder what it is for you?
Why Watching Works
Usually what happens is that the Voice triggers, which immediately causes you to experience some form of emotion, which in turn fires off a behaviour in response. This all happens faster than your attention can track, almost instantaneously, which makes it seem unstoppable.
What if there was a small gap between the Voice triggering, and your emotion rising?
That’s where Awareness comes in. Having awareness of the Voice opens up a small gap, and that small gap is where everything we want from this lives.
When we describe the Voice – not just its words but also its tone, its pace, its accent, its cadence, who it sounds like, all of that – we actively move ourselves into the position of observer. And you can not be fully inside an experience while observing it at the same time – there’s a reason we talk about “detached observers”.
This is why even trying to ignore the voice doesn’t work – because when you try to just ignore it, you are still experiencing it, you are still in the same place. Whereas being aware of the Voice in details, shifting to the position of an observer, removes its power.
A verdict, or Information?
You can treat what the Voice says as a verdict, as judgement about you or your work. Or, you could take those same words, and treat them simply as information. And that’s a very important distinction.
You see, a verdict mans there’s only one option for you to explore, namely to ask whether the verdict is right or wrong. If you agree with the verdict, then it’s back to the drawing board, this time carrying with you something to prove. If you decide the verdict is wrong, then you will have to face the same verdict again and again, because it is not going to go away, it will simply keep coming back for yet another rematch! Either way, though, your worth is on trial, and the Voice is presiding.
However, when you treat it as information rather than a verdict, that opens up a whole new set of questions. What triggered this Voice? What is it trying to protect? Where did it first learn the phrase it just used? Who does it actually sound like?
Take the notebook. “They’ll see right through this” is a devastating judgement when heard as you reach for the Send button. However, the same line written down in your notebook as entry number twelve, sitting among a dozen other nearly identical versions? That’s something very different.
The sentence itself doesn’t change. But treating it as information you can question rather than a verdict you have to answer? That changes everything.
So What Now?
If you kept that notebook for a fortnight, how many different sentences do you think you would end up with? Have a guess at the number before you start. Then compare that figure with what you actually find after the fortnight is up!
If you fancy going in to much more depth about this, and finding some powerful answers, then check out “The Inner Critic“, which is part of The Overachievers Club – it’s a course of 8 modules which look deeper at where the voice came from, what it is protecting, and how you can maintain your standards while retiring that voice.
On the other hand, if you prefer something a little more relaxed and fun, take The Overachiever Quiz – 10 fun questions to find out what kind of overachiever you are, and what to do with that information.
Connected Podcast Episode
Episode 036 – From Self-Criticism to Self-Awareness
Your critic returns to the same accusation for years. That consistency is the clue. It is guarding a belief about who you have to be.
Relevant Related Blogs and Episodes
The Narrator and the Person
You are not your inner critic. You’re the one it’s been commentating on. Here’s why that distinction actually matters.
When Your Inner Critic Sounds Like Wisdom
The most dangerous inner critic sounds like strategy, not criticism. Here is the test that unmasks it.
Episode 030 – The Critical Voice
You think the critical voice in your head is yours. Listen more closely. It has favourite phrases, a particular tone, and an accent that isn’t yours.
