Suppose someone makes a mistake – it could be someone on your team at work, or it could me a family member at home, or it could be a friend out and about. Either way, suppose they make a mistake. A real mistake. The kind which has consequences.
What do you do?
Well, one thing’s for sure – you don’t shout at them and rip into them and tear them down for it (at least I hope you don’t!)
No, you would most likely sit down with them, work out what happened, why it happened, and agree what needed to be done to fix the mistake; and you’d do it in a tone of voice which gives them the space to think rather than having to keep defending themselves.
It’s something we learn over time – attacked people get careful and slow, whereas supported people get better.
Why, then, when you make a mistake (and let’s face it, we all make mistakes, everybody does, it’s an inescapable fact of life), do you react in a very different manner?
Two Different Systems
Like most people, you have two very different systems running; one for everyone else, and one for yourself. Not only have you never questioned it, you’ve probably never even noticed it.
The system you run for other people is sophisticated. You have a high bar, you deliver hard solid feedback, and you do it in such a way as to help the person to grow rather than to shut down. After all, you know that humiliation doesn’t improve someone’s work.
Whereas the system you run on yourself is much more basic.
You still have a high bar (and if you are like most overachievers, that bar is probably even higher than the one you hold for other people). The difference comes when you miss that bar – you attack yourself, and that attack is immediate and very personal.
Rather than the approach of “Let’s see where this went wrong” that you might use with others, when it comes to yourself the attack is much more along the lines of “What is wrong with you?!”
Let’s ne honest – if you found someone else speaking to a colleague the way that you speak to yourself, you’d probably be having words with them – yet when you use those same words on yourself, you view it simply as “high standards”.
Why Easing Off Feels Risky
Here’s a fun one to try – suggest to an overachiever that they ought to be more gentle with themselves, and watch what happens.
Immediately they’ll probably flinch.
And then come the responses, usually versions of “I don’t want to lose my edge” or “It keeps me honest” or “It’s part of why I am so good”, or “I didn’t get where I am today by being soft on myself” etc.
Which is both interesting and revealing – because underneath it all lies a belief which has probably never been examined, mainly because it never occurred to them that it needed examining in the first place.
The belief is that the harshness of their approach is the engine which drives their success. That the sharp internal voice which catches everything and lets nothing slip past is the very thing which ensures high quality. That easing off the harshness of the voice means easing off the standard, turning them into someone who settles for mediocrity.
The assumption is that the harshness is somehow load-bearing, key to the structure; the thing is, nobody has every tried removing it to see if everything still stays up without it!
An Important Test
So let’s try a little test here.
Think of a piece of work of which you are justifiably proud. I don’t mean the one which impressed lots of people, I mean the one which satisfied the most important person of all – you.
One you’ve thought of a specific piece of work, think back to how you were feeling as you were creating it.
Most people tend to find feelings of interest, absorption, calm focus, thrill, excitement, dedication. They also find, if they look closely, that the aggressive judgement was silent.
Now, think about a time when you were doing something and that inner voice was at its loudest, its most brutal. Doesn’t matter what you were doing, we’re just looking for a time when that voice was really having a go. The question here is – how was the work at that point? What was it like?
For most people, the answer is that it was careful, slow, defensive. And most certainly neither enjoyable nor their best work.
I was working with a lady on this very thing a little while ago. With her team, she was always patient, caring, calm, and understanding. And yet, when it came to her own work? She noticed that her best work never ever came from the times when her own harsh inner voice was at full pelt – indeed, she noticed that the voice was shouting over the work, not actually helping to produce it…
The Difference Between Compassion And Indulgence
Underpinning all of this is a fear; the fear that self-compassion actually just means going easy. That it means letting standards and results slide. That is means calling mediocre work “good enough” just because you were tired.
What that fear is really describing is self-indulgence, not self-compassion.
Self-indulgence hides away from honest assessment and feedback, and it calls that hiding “kindness”. All of which does result in that feared lowering of standards.
Whereas self-compassion does pretty much the exact opposite – it looks at exactly what’s going wrong, names it correctly, and offers the full assessment without judgement. It says “This isn’t good enough yet, and here’s what we need to do to get it there”. And it does that in the same kind and supportive way that you would use if you were saying that to someone else. Which means the high standard remains intact.
This distinction between the two is an important one to grasp, because that inner voice shouting at you depends upon you not making the distinction! As long as compassion and indulgence feel like the same thing, the harshness gets to present itself as the only viable option.
Over To You
OK, so what do we do with this new-found distinction and awareness?
Awareness is the key. Something for you to start noticing throughout the week ahead. Whenever that harsh inner critic or harsh self-talk raises its head, pause and ask yourself whether it is actually improving the task at hand, or is it merely making you feel worse about not having completed it yet. Is it helping you to find a way to complete the task, or is it just yelling at you for being rubbish at it?
On those times where you find that voice is attacking you rather than offering constructive advice, ask yourself how you would make the same point to someone whose work you respected. Notice that you don’t have to make it softer, or lower standards, or anything like that. Instead, look for the way which conveys the helpful feedback but without the hostility, judgement, or contempt.
And then ponder upon why you are the one person in your life who seems to be exempt from the decency you afford everyone else. Don’t ponder with judgement, ponder with real curiosity – the answer probably goes back much further than you might first suspect.
Delving Deeper
The Inner Critic is exactly what we are exploring throughout September in The Overachievers Club over the course of 8 modules which look deeper at where the voice came from, what it is protecting, and how you can maintain your standards while retiring that voice.
If you prefer something a little more relaxed and fun, take The Overachiever Quiz – 10 fun questions to find out what kind of overachiever you are, and what to do with that information.
Connected Podcast Episode
033 – Self Compassion is not Weakness
What if the harshness isn’t driving your best work? It might just be shouting over the top of it. Discover why self-compassion is not the softer option.
Relevant Related Blogs and Episodes
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Feeling overwhelmed doesn’t always mean you lack capacity. A thoughtful look at self-image, values, guilt, and why effort can feel heavier than it needs to.
The One About Giving Up Criticism
Join Keith Blakemore-Noble as he explores the power of giving up criticism in self and others on this thought-provoking episode.
The One About It’s Not Your Fault
What has happened in the past is not our fault, but what happens next is our responsibility. Let’s explore in more detail…
