The One About Giving Up Criticism

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:00:33]:
Hello. Welcome to another episode. Today it’s you and me, and we’re going to explore giving up criticism. We’re going to look at giving up self criticism. But before we do that, let’s look at giving up criticism of others. So we’re going to look at giving up both sides of criticism in today’s episode. Now, I’m not just talking about major or deliberate criticism. I’m talking about all forms of criticism, including those that we’re not aware we’re indulging in.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:01:08]:
And just because we’re not aware we’re.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:01:09]:
Criticising doesn’t mean it has any less impact on the recipient. Now, let me be clear.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:01:17]:
I’m not referring to occasions where people actively solicits your opinion or your feedback, although even there, we do need to be careful. And we will take a look at that. But I’m talking more about where we offer uninvited words, which, far from helping, can actually be really harmful. I mean, just imagine. Imagine you have completed some task. It doesn’t matter what the task was. It could have been huge. It could be in trivial.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:01:44]:
It really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how well you completed. All that matters is that you did your best, right? Maybe you’re feeling pleased or maybe you’re feeling relieved. Who knows how you’re feeling now, having completed it, and then someone comes along.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:02:01]:
Uninvited, starts to criticise.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:02:04]:
Now they might even think that they’re being helpful with a deconstruction of your efforts.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:02:09]:
But how does it really make you.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:02:12]:
Feel when they point out all the ways in which you went wrong and how you should have done it better.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:02:19]:
Probably makes you feel quite lousy, right?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:02:21]:
They have sucked the joy out of your achievement.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:02:24]:
They’ve just ruined it.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:02:26]:
What could have been a wonderful moment for you has now been ruined. They just hate it when that happens.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:02:32]:
And yet, if you complain about them.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:02:34]:
Doing this, more often than not, they point, oh, I’m only trying to help. Oh, you’ve hurt my feelings now. I was only trying to help. How ungrateful. Yeah, it can really suck now. There will be times where people do invite, invite our feedback. They ask for our opinion and we still have to be careful here. I mean, somebody might ask us for opinion and we then set out to tell the other person exactly everything they did wrong.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:03:03]:
And boy, we could really get into it. List all the things they did wrong, all the things which, if only they’d realise might have made it suck a little bit less. We launch into a lengthy, uninvited tirade about their flaws, their mistakes, their imperfection. No flaw is too small to escape the criticism. The thing is, no matter how well intended all that might be, one thing’s for sure, it hurts the other person. We might think we’re helping them, but generally all they hear is an attack on them, listing loads of ways in which they failed.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:03:34]:
It’s not very helpful, is it?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:03:38]:
See, here’s the thing. When somebody says, oh, well, what did you think?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:03:43]:
A lot of the time, what they’re.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:03:46]:
Actually seeking is some reassurance that they didn’t totally suck, you see, inside their head, they’re beating themselves up. They think, oh, God, I completely ruined that. And they are looking for just a little bit of reassurance that they aren’t the absolute worst at it. They’re looking for a few kind words just to make them feel that little bit better about themselves. Doesn’t mean that you lie, doesn’t mean.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:04:13]:
You tell them it’s perfect, but maybe.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:04:16]:
Offer a couple of things that went well, which perhaps they didn’t realize help them feel a bit better about themselves. Now, there will be times when, yes, people do ask and actively ask for feedback and ask for ways in which they can improve. But listen to the language that they’re using. What did you think?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:04:36]:
That’s kind of.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:04:38]:
I don’t think I did too well there. What do you think? Please help me feel a little bit better about myself.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:04:43]:
Whereas if they’re actually seeking positive feedback, actually seeking constructive criticism, language might be.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:04:54]:
Along the lines of, hey, what do you think? How could I improve? How could I do better? What will make me better at doing this? Then that’s them basically saying, yeah, please tell me what I did wrong, how I can improve. But again, don’t rush into a great long list of every single thing that did wrong. Sure, tell them, pick something, something, and just pick one thing. Hey, you know, I like that. How could you be better if you tweak this one bit and just give them that one thing to work on, which is something they can then take away, work on it one thing at.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:05:34]:
A time and become better. So just be careful.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:05:39]:
When people do invite feedback, are they asking for feedback or are they actually asking for a little bit of moral support? It’s very important to know the difference. So that’s invited criticism. What about uninvited criticism? This can be very unhelpful, can be really destructive, and made all the more so by the fact that our view wasn’t even sought by the recipient of our criticism. Now, this uninvited criticism, it could be direct or it could be indirect, and we’ll take a look at the two. Let’s take a look at direct criticism. Direct, uninvited criticism.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:06:17]:
First, not easy to say.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:06:19]:
This is where we vent directly to the person, come out with it all. Sometimes we might believe we intended it to be constructive and helpful, but the reality is, as they say, the road to hell is paid with good intentions. And uninvited, direct criticism, very, very rarely helpful.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:06:39]:
I mean, for one thing, you don’t.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:06:41]:
Know what’s going on with that other person in their life or in general. You don’t know what’s going on in their head at that point. Let me give an example of some really unhelpful, uninvited, direct criticism. There was one place I worked a long time ago. One young lad used to wear clothes.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:06:59]:
Which they weren’t scruffy, but they definitely.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:07:03]:
Seemed better days, let’s put it that way. And they weren’t a particularly good fit. Poor lad was doing his best, of course. One day, the resident office loudmouth. It’s amazing how so many officers have them. The office loudmouth pointed this out to him in her customary abrasive and tactless manner. Really tore him a strip over how he really should pay better attention to how he dresses and really went to town on every small detail. Others sort of afterwards said, you shouldn’t really have said that.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:07:39]:
Oh, I was only trying to help.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:07:41]:
You see, what the office loudmouth didn’t.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:07:44]:
Know was that this particular chap had very little money, because the money that he earned from the job was pretty much all going to help pay for his family’s upkeep. His father had run off, leaving his mum to look after him and his younger siblings and the house mum had very little, very little income as well. So basically, pretty much everything he was earning was going to helping keep the family going, so he didn’t have money to spend on nice clothes for the job.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:08:16]:
Now, with all that in mind, how.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:08:20]:
Do you think the office loudmouth’s uninvited criticism?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:08:24]:
How do you think that helped him?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:08:26]:
Obviously, it didn’t.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:08:27]:
Obviously, it just made him feel even worse.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:08:30]:
And that’s the thing with uninvited criticism.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:08:33]:
The person receiving it is not even.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:08:36]:
In a position to receive it and process it because they weren’t even expecting it. It just comes out of nowhere, and.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:08:45]:
We’Re not expecting to receive it, we.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:08:48]:
Certainly can’t brace ourselves for it and be ready to process it. It just comes out of nowhere, really doesn’t help. Then we’ve got indirect, uninvited criticism.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:09:03]:
And with this, there isn’t even any.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:09:07]:
Pretense at justifying it. There’s never even, oh, I’m only trying to help.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:09:10]:
Now, I know this isn’t something that.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:09:15]:
You indulge in, but by becoming increasingly aware of it, we can see it being used by others, and we can be on the lookout of it and look out for it and maybe even prevent it from happening and save others from it. So sometimes it’s said indirectly when the person is present, like catty remarks or put downs delivered not to the person, but when it’s known they’re within earshot. Let’s face it, that’s not criticism. That’s bullying. That is a form of bullying, and it should not be tolerated.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:09:50]:
If you hear this happening, stand up.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:09:53]:
For the other person. Come on, call them out.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:09:56]:
Look, that’s not on. You can’t say that often.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:10:02]:
The person coming out with all these comments may well start taking offence and, oh, you can’t say anything these days. Well, yeah, you can, but just because you can doesn’t mean you should. And yes, you can say anything, just like I can say it. I can say that I don’t appreciate what you’re saying about this person. It’s not very nice.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:10:19]:
Stop it.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:10:22]:
The other form of indirect, uninvited criticism is when people talk behind their back. Gossip, that sort of thing. Gossip is the usual term for that kind of criticism, and it never comes from a place of concern or care for the individual. Comes out of it’s salacious. It’s, oh, have you heard the latest about so and so? Nasty, nasty, horrible stuff. It comes from a place of wanting to feel superior or comes from a place of bullying, wanting to turn others against the person that they’re gossiping about. It’s horrible. It’s nasty stuff.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:10:58]:
Don’t indulge in it. Don’t indulge in it.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:11:01]:
When you hear it, kind of shut it down, walk away from it or ask, why are you saying that?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:11:08]:
Why are you telling me this?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:11:11]:
Why would you say that about them?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:11:13]:
How does that help?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:11:16]:
Often bullies and gossips don’t like it when you do that.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:11:19]:
But if enough people do it, stand.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:11:21]:
Up for people being criticised. It can make a difference. So next time you get the opportunity or even the urge to offer criticism, pause and ask yourself, just ask yourself, is this about helping the other person to grow?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:11:41]:
Or is it about me venting for my frustrations?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:11:49]:
As a general rule, only offer criticism.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:11:52]:
When it’s been explicitly asked for. And even then, only offer it if.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:11:58]:
You’Re sure that they want to know where to improve rather than if they are seeking reassurance. Now, if it’s someone that you know well, you could perhaps ask them, hey.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:12:11]:
Are you open to some constructive feedback.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:12:14]:
And listen to what they say? If they say yes, go for it. If they say no, change the topic. And also watch how they say they’re yes. If they’re like, yeah, tell me, what can I do better? That’s an invitation for a dialogue, discussion with constructive feedback.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:12:30]:
But if they’re going, yeah, that’s really a no.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:12:35]:
But I don’t want to appear impolite by saying no. So again, just kind of, you know.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:12:40]:
What, it’s all right, never mind.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:12:43]:
We’ll cover it another time.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:12:44]:
Don’t worry.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:12:46]:
So, yeah, see if you can give up the need for criticizing others for what they may or may not have done.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:12:53]:
Because when we do that, when we start to give up the need to.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:12:57]:
Criticize others, we begin to free ourselves from judgment. We become more relaxed when things occur.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:13:05]:
Outside of our control, and it can even help us to be more liked and more respected.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:13:12]:
I mean, when people know that we are not going to slam them, we’re not going to slag them off, we’re not going to talk about them behind the back, we’re not going to tell them to their face how rubbish and useless they are.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:13:21]:
When people realize that they’re going to.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:13:23]:
Be more likely to want to hang.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:13:25]:
Out with us or associate with us, win win.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:13:28]:
And it makes them helps anything that helps the other person feel a little bit, little bit better about themselves as well.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:13:36]:
It’s all good.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:13:37]:
Right now, talking about feeling better, about people feeling better having not received criticism, we’ve been talking about criticising others. What about self criticism? This is something that would be well advised to consider giving up, or at least massively changing. As Louise Hay says, you’ve been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:14:10]:
It now, when I’m talking about self.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:14:16]:
Criticism, I don’t mean where we perhaps take a step back and dispassionately analyse. Okay, what worked, what didn’t work, what can I do? What shall I carry on to next time? What do I need to improve for next time? That sort of, sort of reflective self analysis is brilliant. It’s a great way to improve absolutely. Encourage it, particularly when you can do it without the emotion. But just from the strictly analytical.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:14:43]:
Okay, that worked.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:14:44]:
That worked. That didn’t. That could have been better. That was amazing. These are the areas that. These are the things I’m going to continue doing. These are the things I’m going to stop. These are the things I’m going to improve.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:14:55]:
It’s a great way to improve. That’s not the sort of self criticism.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:14:59]:
That I’m talking about.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:15:00]:
What I’m talking about is you do a piece of work, you finish it.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:15:06]:
You look back on it and you.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:15:08]:
Spot all the mistakes, all the things that have gone wrong, all the ways in which you are rubbish at it. No matter how tight or insignificant those.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:15:16]:
Are, you play them over and over and over again in your mind.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:15:21]:
You tell yourself that you’re rubbish. You should have done better or even worse.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:15:25]:
You start comparing yourself against others and.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:15:28]:
Saying how badly you did against others and before you know it, any positive feelings you had about successfully completing a task, replaced by doubts, disappointments, dread, general self criticism for not being good enough. Sound familiar? We’ve all been through it. There’s an example that I vividly recall even now. And this was eight years ago. Eight. Nine years ago. Ten years ago?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:15:57]:
Something like that, actually, yeah. No, think about.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:16:00]:
It’ll be eleven years ago. Time flight. Eleven years ago. Early on in my speaking career, professional speaking career, I was given the opportunity to deliver a training slot on stage during a larger week of NLP training. So the person running the course, I worked for them and they said, hey.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:16:21]:
Do you want to deliver this segment?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:16:24]:
So I delivered my segment, covered all the topic, answered all the questions the students had. I confirmed that they all got what we were teaching in that segment and I left the stage to, even though I say to myself a rather enthusiastic round of applause, it was actually in Singapore. It was in Singapore, I believe. Sounds like a successful presentation, right? And yet I felt absolutely awful when I walked off the stage, walked out to the room and I was like.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:17:02]:
Oh, I was convinced I was going to be. I felt really awful. Why did I feel that bad?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:17:11]:
Self criticism was kicking in as I left. All I was thinking about were all the things I could have done better, how I could have been a more solid presenter, how my mentor, my boss would have done it, how they would have done it, and all the ways in which they were much better at it and all the ways in which I’d been rubbished. You’ve probably done similar things yourself.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:17:33]:
Right.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:17:34]:
I was so full of self doubt.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:17:36]:
And self criticism that I was convinced that was it.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:17:42]:
My career as a speaker was over there.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:17:43]:
And then, of course, my speaking career wasn’t over.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:17:49]:
The students had enjoyed the session. They definitely learned what they needed to learn and what we were setting out to teach them. They enjoyed the process. My boss congratulated me on delivering a good session. I went on to deliver many, many more trainings, including delivering that whole week’s worth of training in its entirety. Myself went on to do all of.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:18:12]:
Those things because I was allowing my.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:18:17]:
Self criticism to cloud my view of the situation. There I was thinking it was a lot worse than it was. Things like, oh, my boss wouldn’t have done that. They would have done this, and, well, of course they would have done it differently.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:18:33]:
They’d been teaching for 20 years, and.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:18:35]:
This was my very first ever. First ever go at teaching. Of course things are going to be.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:18:43]:
Different, and next time. Next time I delivered it, I would.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:18:48]:
Be a little bit better and a bit better, and that’s how we improve.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:18:53]:
But it was that self criticism that.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:18:55]:
Made me feel that it was over.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:18:59]:
The point I’m making here is that.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:19:01]:
We all too often fall into self criticism. We hold ourselves to impossible standards, and then we berate ourselves severely for failing to achieve those impossible standards. We compare ourselves with people who’ve been.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:19:15]:
Doing this for decades, and we judge.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:19:18]:
Ourselves harshly for not being as good as the master who’s done it for 20 years.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:19:23]:
When this is our first attempt at it, we wrap all of that up.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:19:28]:
And we decide that we’re stupid. We feel really bad about it and think, well, God, I’ll never get to do that again. We’ve probably all been there, right?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:19:38]:
At some degree. The thing is, none of that helps us.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:19:45]:
Now, I’m not saying that we should never learn from our experiences. I’m not saying that we’re perfect. I’m not saying we should go. Well, yep. Don’t care what happened. That was brilliant. I rock at this. Now, of course not.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:19:57]:
There are always ways for us to improve. Even masters will find ways to improve. But the key thing is, be mindful, aware, and conscious of what you are saying to yourself.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:20:13]:
So, yes, look for ways to improve, but don’t do it at the expense.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:20:18]:
Of recognising what you have already achieved. Rather than constantly exposing ourselves to self criticism, celebrate our successes. Celebrate when we achieve things. When you do something, you’ve completed it.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:20:35]:
Take a moan out.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:20:36]:
Yes. Done it.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:20:37]:
Whoa. Go me. I did that.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:20:40]:
Celebrate what we’ve achieved. Recognising that.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:20:43]:
You know what?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:20:44]:
It could have been better, but I did it.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:20:48]:
Yes, I rock. Take that moment to congratulate. Congratulate yourself to celebrate the achievement.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:20:58]:
Then, and only then, allow yourself to.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:21:02]:
Appreciate the opportunity for further growth and realise, yes, I could maybe do it better next time. And that is for next time.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:21:13]:
For now, just for now, let me.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:21:16]:
Bask in the warmth of having achieved this. Then, when you are ready to start looking at how you could improve, just pause. Ask yourself, okay, so what did I do?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:21:29]:
Well, what’s one single thing, just one.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:21:33]:
Thing that I want to focus on improving for next time. Because, yes, there will be dozens, maybe hundreds of things you could improve, but you can’t improve them all at once. Pick one thing, just one single thing. Because if we get better at just.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:21:46]:
One thing each time, it compounds and.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:21:51]:
Over time we get better. I mean, if you do something once.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:21:54]:
A week, and each week you focus on just improving one thing over the.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:22:02]:
Course of a year, that’s 50 things you’ve improved.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:22:05]:
It all builds up.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:22:08]:
And above all, by recognising, yes, there’s room for improvement, but here’s what we did do. This is worth celebrating. We can dial back our self judgment, our criticism of ourselves, just as we dial back our criticism of others. We can accept things as they are. We can accept this is what happened and there is some good in this. Let’s celebrate that and then look for how we can improve next time. Look for how we can be even better. In fact, that’s a good word, a good way of phrasing it when you’re considering, okay, what worked well, how can I be even better next time? Good way of phrasing it.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:22:51]:
What can I do to be even.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:22:53]:
Better at this next time I do it?

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:22:56]:
Get you looking at the positives, how well you did do and how you can improve. But above all, please, I implore you, dial back the self criticism.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:23:05]:
Most of us are probably doing better than we allow ourselves to realise. If we can take a step back. And go, okay, this is where I succeeded.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:23:17]:
Yeah, it wasn’t perfect, but you know what? Nothing’s perfect. Yes, there will be room for improvement and I will improve next time.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:23:25]:
But for now, let me just appreciate.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:23:28]:
What worked, appreciate what I did well, appreciate the success in what I did. It’s going to make it a much more enjoyable journey through life.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:23:37]:
And, hey, you never know.

Keith Blakemore-Noble [00:23:40]:
As Louise Hay says, you have been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.